This morning at church, I sang a song that I feel is my own personal testimony. The song is called "Everything to Me" by Avalon. I'm sure I don't do the song justice, but God has used it to bless me so many times.
First and foremost, my Jesus is EVERYTHING to me. And to have that relationship with Him, I had to seek Him on a deeper level. My dad was a pastor and I probably teethed on a church hymnal, but nothing that my earthly father did could save me. I had to make a conscious decision to follow Jesus Christ for myself. It took me a long time, but God never turned his back on me. That is one thing that amazes me about Him. No matter how many times I turn my back on Him, or get angry with Him, or question Him, He is ALWAYS right there, waiting for me. Even when I am not faithful to Him, He is faithful to me.
I think the past few years of my life have been the hardest ever, and my faith has been tested beyond measure. During my second pregnancy (with my baby girl Addy) I began feeling bad. I had extremely terrible headaches, to the point of literally wanting to die, as well as dizziness and fainting. At a routine eye appointment, my optomestrist noticed fluid in the back of my eyes. I didn't know if this was serious, but he wanted me to follow up with my OB to seek further medical examination. I went to my monthly appointment to see Dr. Lopez (who by the way is a wonderful, God-fearing man who has helped me so much!) and he immediately addressed the fact that something was going on, and it was not a "normal" thing to happen during pregnancy. He sent me to see a neurologist (who majorly offended me a multitude of times and is no longer my dr.!) who asked me a zillion questions and did a full neuro exam. He threw out a word that I couldn't understand that had the word tumor and cerebri in it. I had no clue what it meant, but he told me not to worry, because that was probably not what I had, but he just wanted to be thorough. I went the next day to have a lumbar puncture performed at Adena hospital. The doctor was very sympathetic and compassionate and explained everything while he did it. That did not make it hurt any less!! Because I was pregnant, they were not able to use the assistance of x-ray equipment, so I had to have it done the old fashioned way, and believe me, it was not a pleasant experience. I left the hospital in a wheelchair, begging Chad to take me upstairs to the nursery to see the little newborn babies! All I could think about was that tiny little girl growing inside of me. The next day I got a call from the neurologist himself telling me that my pressure reading from the lumbar puncture came back extremely high. I made a follow-up appointment where I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension, also known as pseudotumor cerebri (PTC). My head was spinning as I wondered what this meant. This definition is taken from the website of the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. "Pseudotumor cerebri literally means false brain tumor. It is likely due to high pressure within the skull caused by the buildup or poor absorption of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)....Symptoms of pseudotumor cerebri, which include headache, nausea, vomiting, and pulsating sounds within the head, closely mimic symptoms of large brain tumors." He tried to explain it, but I couldn't focus on his words. I had rarely ever been sick. The only times I had even had an iv were when I had Ethan and when I had my gall bladder taken out. Now, this doctor is telling me that I have a seriuos condition, for which there is no cure!? What?? How?? Why?? At this point, I would like to be able to say that I turned toward God full force, my faith stronger than ever, but I didn't. In fact, my walk as a Christian became a struggle, and my relationship with God grew weak. I sometimes felt like I had done something wrong, or simply not done something right, and that's why God allowed me to have this disease. I felt like I was being punished. I didn't understand. But, what I learned later on, well after the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby girl, was that I didn't need to understand, I just needed to lean on God. He is a big enough God to handle the questions we ask him. No matter how weak my faith had gotten, when I turned back to him, He was still standing there with open arms. He didn't have His back turned to me, nor was he standing looking down at me with an "I told you so" look or aggravated expression. Rather, he simply took me in His arms as though I had never left. I have since had so many lumbar punctures I cannot even count them all; surgery not related to PTC but from a complication that occurred during my cesarean with Addalyn and from an excess of scar tissue that I seem to produce at a very rapid rate; a hysterectomy (which I was extremely sad about because it ended my hopes of ever having another baby); optic nerve sheath fenestration (ONSF) to prevent me from going blind; and a week long stay in the hospital which included about 20 attempts at a lumbar puncture, one successful lumbar puncture, the diagnosis of meningitis, and one very painful blood patch. I can honestly say that all of these times combined were the lowest point of my life. But, there was one person who never left my side. Even when I was too weak to utter His name, He knew my need. My parents couldn't understand fully what I was going through. My husband was always there for me but even he didn't know the pain I was in. My children were still there to love me, but even that couldn't replace what God meant to me. He never left me. He never got tired of hearing me cry. He never turned his face away when I needed a glimpse of Him. He never grew weary from my complaining. He never left me.
To this day, He has not healed my body, though I have asked him to so many times. I have been annointed several times, yet He has not chosen to heal me. He may never heal me while I am on this earth. I may not know the beauty of being pain-free until I walk through those gates and finally see His face. But, my healing will come, in His time. Until then, I will serve Him, I will thank Him, I will praise Him, I will love Him. Because, after all, He is EVERYTHING to me.
Here's the link to this amazing song by Avalon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTr1TiPNdWw
