a little late...but what's new?

We had a wonderful Christmas around here. Hoping the same is true for you and yours!!

Misty

Jaxon Ryan

On the evening of September 8, a beautiful baby boy named Jaxon Ryan was born into our family. He has been such a blessing, and I must say that he is kinda partial to his aunt Misty : )
I felt so priveleged that my brother and soon-to-be SIL asked me to stay in the room during the birth. It was a beautiful experience, and I will never forget it. It's hard to believe that our little guy is already three months old. It seems like just yesterday we were here....

Josh and Andrea goofing off....EARLY in the laboring process.

What a beautiful couple : )

I was so proud of my baby brother. He stuck right by her side, and was such a pillar of strength for her.


She was really feeling the pain by this point, but refused the epidural. She might just be the strongest woman I have ever met. An all-natural birth definitely isn't the "easy-way out." But, she was amazing.

The new mommy kissing her baby right after he was born.

Jaxon Ryan

Daddy holding Jaxon for the first time

This is my favorite picture : ) Hard to believe that my

baby brother is now a father.

What a handsome little fellow

Papaw (my dad) holding his new grandson for the first time. I must say that our

children have the greatest grandparents they could ever want.

Me holding my beautiful nephew....it was love at first sight.

And, yes, I am definitely his favorite aunt. Just ask him.

Addalyn holding her new cousin. Her face just screams excitement!

Ethan and Jaxon

Bethany and Jaxon

I love this picture

Utter perfection....

Addalyn and Jaxon

We love you, Jaxon, and are so blessed to have your presence in our lives. You are the embodiment of joy, and you always have a precious smile on your face. I can't wait for the many years of spoiling you rotten. Aunt Misty loves you!!

Out of the mouths of babes

Kids say the funniest things, and sometimes they just happen to be hurtful. For some reason, my kids happen to be the most BRUTALLY honest kids I have ever met. They seem to lack a filter regarding what comes out of their mouths.

For about a week straight after I got out of the hospital, baby sister wouldn't let me out of her sight, even during the wee hours of the night. My usual twelve-hour sleep loving princess thought it best to just stay up all night to make sure Momma didn't disappear. I didn't have the strength, energy, or heart to fight with her, so I would just get up and take her to the living room, turn cartoons on (I'm bad....I know!), and lay down in the recliner with her sitting right on top of me.

On one particular night, I kept dozing off while she watched cartoons and tried to carry a conversation on with me. I awoke to her squeezing my face, saying, "Mommy, Mommy. Does God have wings?" No, honey, God doesn't have wings, now go to sleep. Just a few moments later, "Mommy, Mommy. Can God fly?" Sweetheart, I don't know if God can fly. I don't think he has the need to. And then, "Mommy, Mommy." I am waiting for another silly question about God's magical attributes, but instead I hear, in the most angelic voice possible........"How did you get so fat?" Gee, thanks, princess. Mommy loves you too.

And, so, out of the mouths of babes comes many things: funny questions about lofty things, heartfelt sentiments of love, and more often than not, brutally honest statements that literally make you laugh out loud.

Love is....

Laughing at one another until your sides ache.

Forgiving without reservation.

Doing something you don't want to, just to make the other happy.

Eating bland meal after meal while your wife learns how to cook.

Enjoying the monotony of everyday life.

Watching reruns of favorite shows together.

Going grocery shopping on date night and being content with that.

Holding hands in the car, even after nine years of marriage.

Not seeing the extra pounds the other has accumulated over the years.

Shaving your wif'e's head and then telling her she is beautiful.

Saying til death do us part....and meaning it.

I realize it has been awhile, and alot has definitely gone on in the past few months. What, you ask? Well, I will tell you.

For one, God has been doing a major work in mine and my husband's marriage. Toward the end of August, we came to what looked like the end of the road for us. Our problems seemed insurmountable, and the "world" was telling us to give up...there was no hope for such a broken relationship. However, we didn't listen to the world, we listened to God and valued the sacred promise we had made to each other before Him. With the help of an amazing Christian counselor, we have worked through our problems. Through God's grace, I can truly say that our marriage is stronger today than it has ever been, and I have a new found love for my husband and for my Savior. God took two selfish, cold-hearted, angry individuals, and molded us into one loving, compassionate, and forgiving couple. Praise His Name!! I am not saying that our marriage is perfect or that we will never encounter another problem or argument, but what I am saying is that we have learned what a biblical marriage should consist of, and we both conspire on a daily basis to fulfill God's purpose in our marriage. And what is the purpose of our marriage? To glorify Him. And, we are learning how to every single day.

I also had my brain surgery to insert the VP shunt on October 29th. I can honestly say that I had never felt God's peace and presence in my life as much as I did on that day. The burden and fear was just too much to carry myself, so I gladly gave it all to Him. Chad prayed over me before they wheeled me out of the room, and I have never seen him look so scared. While they were wheeling me back to the OR, I had a sudden realization. In that moment, I couldn't rely on my parents, my friends, my children, or even my husband...God was all I had, and He was definitely all I needed. Though I would have liked to, I couldn't take my hubby back to that OR with me. My loving Savior was the only One who could accompany me every step of the way, and I wouldn't want it any other way. The surgery went as well as expected, and it was obvious to my neurosurgeon after encountering so much spinal fluid inside my brain that this shunt was definitely necessary. I cannot describe the pain that I felt for the first few days after, and to be honest, alot of the time in the hospital was a blur. I somehow got an infection in my neck where they had threaded the shunt tubing through, and the infection kept getting worse. Dr McG came in one Sunday afternoon and gave me the awful news that if the infection didn't go away by the next morning that they would have to take the shunt out and redo the entire surgery. I was devastated, and called Chad (who was out to lunch with some of our friends who live close to the hospital) to let him know. I think he texted everyone he knew requesting their prayers, and our church had special prayer for me as well. God answered those prayers, and when I woke up the next morning, the swelling had decreased tremendously and the doctors said the infection was rapidly healing. I was in the hospital for five days, and Chad took such good care of me the entire time. He never once complained about anything he had to do for me, and he so lovingly and willingly met my every need. It has been a long recovery process, but God has been with me (and He will continue to be with me) every step of the way. I am still having severe headaches, and the doctors are not sure that the shunt is working as it should be, so I will be going to see Dr McG on Friday, and he will be sending me for some tests afterwards. Please pray that they can figure out what is going on with this crazy shunt so that I can start feeling good and get back to my old self. Chad is still doing most everything around here, and as strange as it sounds, I can't wait to get back to my cooking, cleaning, laundering, errand-running, shopping, loafing, and kid chauffering!! I will post some pics later of my awesome scar and shaved head.

I have so much to thank God for. This was truly a Thanksgiving full of thanksgiving. I do not deserve all of the blessings He gives me, but I will gladly take them.

Not My Child! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I will preface this by saying that the majority of what NEVER happens to me is typically not caused by my 5-year-old little man. He was born a preemie, and he just came out fighting. Needless to say, the fight has never left him.

This past week, I certainly did not have one of the worst weeks of my life. My son was not singlehandedly responsible for one of those extremely horrific days. While watching tv with the kiddos one day, I did not find myself dozing off, as they were sitting ever so calmly... one by my side and the other on my back. I was not awakened to little man in my face saying, "Look what I did to my hair, Mommy." My eyes began to focus and this is what I did NOT see: My son's beautiful, long blonde hair chopped off on top...to the skin...with kitchen scissors. I did not proceed to shriek and then turn around to realize that he had not also given his sister a nice little hair cut as well. Her long, beautiful, dark brown curls were not gone, and she was not also nearly scalped in some places. What kind of a mother would fall asleep while watching tv with her kids? Not me. I get a full night's rest every single night, and I am NEVER worn out or exhausted by my children's antics or their sometimes crazy schedules. I am the picture of readiness and alertness. Or something like that.

My children are always so well-behaved. They would never throw fits, especially in public. I mean, seriously. They would not even think about it. This week was not a particularly stressful one, and you can not see that written all over their faces. Thus, at Sunday dinner yesterday with 15 members of our family (at Texas Roadhouse...my fav!), both little ones did not cry and cling to me, begging to be carried. They are way more mature than that. They did not refuse to be carried by any other member of my family, and when I chose one to carry, the other did not scream and cry all of the way to the table. I did not quickly feed little man the free rolls, rush order mac-n-cheese for baby sister, feed them as quickly as possible, and leave my favorite restaurant without even eating. My children would never stress me out that much. NEVER.

Little man also does not start pre-kindergarten on Thursday. Not my tiny little baby who fit in the palm of my hand when we brought him home from the hospital. He could NOT be starting school already! Where has the time gone??? At registration, he was most definitely not the clingy, crying, fit-throwing, mama-hugging child that every parent glares at. NOT my son. He is totally not babified or spoiled like that. That same boy did not surprise me at orientation when he did wonderfully! On the other hand he also did not embarass both his parents when he went to visit his teacher this morning while taking big sister to school. He spoke to the teacher and did not proceed to teach him the basics of pre-kindergarten farting, er, I mean gas expulsion. Not my child!!! And through all of the frustrations, crises, and stressful times I experience with my kiddos, I most certainly do not love them more than life itself. Not me.

The good, the bad, and the really ugly

A lot has been going on around here lately. Some good things, some bad things, and some really ugly things.

My symptoms with pseudotumor cerebri have progressively been getting worse. I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon, Dr.McG, a few weeks ago and he informed me that things didn't appear to be getting better and in his medical opinion (which I so highly respect) it is time to, shall we say, bite the bullet and have the shunt surgery performed. We discussed all of the risks and benefits and the procedure in detail. He sent me to have an MRI done to determine what type of shunt would work best for me. The V-shunt that is placed directly into the brain, though it's rather scary for me, seems like it will be what works best, but I guess we will find out for sure when Dr. McG gets the results and notifies me. The shunt will work continuously to remove the extra spinal fluid that surrounds my brain, thus keeping my spinal pressure low and alleviating alot of the symptoms I am having. Though I am definitely NOT excited to shave my head and have my head cut open, I am sooo looking forward to reaping the benefits that the shunt will bestown upon me. Please keep me in your prayers, because I am really nervous/scared/anxious, and just about any other emotion you can think of!!

The news gets even uglier. My brother's wife who was expecting their first child in February, learned this past week that she had lost the baby. They are completely heartbroken, as is the whole family. The army granted my brother a week of leave so they could come home and be with family during this difficult time. We got to spend the whole day with them yesterday, and this evening our family went out to dinner, and then they came over to our house to hang out. We have been able to have quite a few laughs which I think has helped tremendously. They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, in my brother's case, tattoos are. He and his wife got matching tattoos of a baby with wings. If you could, would you please pray for them? There are alot of private issues that make this even harder for them, and they are certainly in need of your prayers.

And, finally, some good news. There is a personal issue that I have really been struggling with lately, and I am happy to say that things seem to be improving. I'll be honest, it's not fixed, and the road ahead is a long one, but things are definitely looking up.

Most importantly, I am thankful for a God who is with me ALL of the time. He never leaves me or forsakes me. Through the calm and through the storm, He is ALWAYS beside me. I guess you could say that He is a God through the good, the bad, and even the really ugly.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This past week I absolutely did not let my three-year-old daughter turn back into a baby while we were at the beach. That did not include lugging her around on my hip all week, letting her have a binky (which she hasn't taken in a loooong time), or rocking her to sleep every single night. That would just not be good for her development, so I wouldn't do such a thing.

On said trip, I also did not feed the kids cookies and chips for breakfast or lunch, or encourage them to, ahem, pee in the ocean, or maybe even the pool. That is disgusting, and I would never encourage them to do that just so I didn't have to trudge around with two little sand covered bodies trying to find the nearest restroom. But, they did go #2 in actual potties, and I definitely did not make little man wipe his own bottom because I couldnt' stand the stench of the restroom at the waterpark. I wouldn't make him do that.

And my husband is not such a tightwad that I did not have to confront his lie (in front of a waitress nonetheless) when he tried to say that baby sister was 2. He knows she just had a birthday and turned 3.

I am ALWAYS completely honest with my children, and I would never lie or use scare tactics to trick them into being good. Not me! Thus, when both of the little ones cried and fought the entire nine hour drive to the beach, this conversation did not happen between Ethan and myself.

Mommy: You better be quiet, Ethan. We are getting ready to pass a cop car. Oh, here it comes!!

Ethan: Where? Where? I didn't see no policeman.

Mommy: Oh, you didn't? It was an undercover one.

At this point he starts crying uncontrollably.

Ethan: Liar! You lied to me!! Why would you lie to me, Mommy??!!

I most certainly did not get caught up in a lie by my five year old son. Christians don't lie, and Mommys don't lie to thier precious little children. So, I definitely wouldn't. NOT ME!!

"Not my child" Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday!, with a special Not my child! edition. This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else (and their children) have not been doing this week.

My five-year-old son certainly is not the most outgoing, unreserved, unhumiliatable, brutally honest child that was ever born. Definitely not my son. He certainly never embarasses me or makes my chubby cheeks turn bright pink. Never. For instance, while at the beach this past week, upon meeting a mom and her young daughter, he certainly did not loudly exclaim for ALL to hear, "I was having a great time playing until THIS BRAT showed up." Not my son, and I was not cringing while looking for a large rock to crawl under. He did not learn a new name for his privates and try to incorporate that word into as many conversations as possible....he wouldn't do something like that. And on two separate trips to Wal-Mart, he most certainly did not make me wish I was invisible, first by hopping out of the van and peeing on the tires while shoppers near and far were given an unforgetable image. Furthermore, a male shopper was not overheard telling his family, "Hey, when you gotta go you gotta go....I wish sometimes I could do that!" On the second trip, he did not pretend he was driving in the front seat and hold up his toy rifle shooting passersby while singing Chris Tomlin's "I Will Rise." Definitely not my son. And he was also not the child honking the horn everytime someone walked directly infront of our vehicle startling them and making them jump. That was not him, he just would not do something like that. And, most importantly, my son always keeps his thoughts to himself and is always worried about hurting someone's feelings with brutal statements. He would NEVER say something that could crush someone's feelings and make them emotionally raw. I mean NEVER. So, I did not overhear him telling his daddy, whom, by the way, has been working out and dieting for a few weeks and is trying so hard to shed those unnecessary pounds, "Man, daddy, you sure are getting fat. Your belly is all the way 'out to here'." He just wouldn't crush someone like that. Not my son.

The Awful "C" Word

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

Change is not something I handle well. I never have. I probably never will. I can remember a time in first grade when my teacher (whom I adored...up until this point) decided we should switch desks halfway through the year to change things up. Everyone else was all giddy about having a new place to sit, excitedly checking out their new surroundings. Everyone that is, except me. It threw me off...majorly. I resented the girl who had MY desk, and I couldn't concentrate on anything because I felt so out of my element. Thus, this detest toward change started many, many moons ago. And it didn't get any better.

My dad is a pastor and we moved quite frequently while we were growing up. I was born in Ironton, we moved to WV several years later, we moved back to Ironton, then moved to Kentucky just a few years later, then we moved back to Ironton, and eventually to Wheelersburg where my family FINALLY decided to stay put....well kinda. Those moves were hard on everyone, but I think I dealt with it the worst. I can remember feeling like my life was over each and everytime my dad broke the news that we were moving. Now, don't get me wrong....I totally respect the fact that my father followed God's will all those years, even though packing up and moving a family of six (yes, there were four of us kids!) was rather difficult.

There is one time I remember I had an especially tough time dealing with things...after the fourth grade when my dad decided it was time to leave our church in Kentucky, and return to where I was born. Our final project of the schoolyear was to draw a picture of what we would be doing that summer. One by one, my classmates got up in front of the classroom, displaying beautiful pictures of vacations to the ocean (which I didn't even know existed) and mountains (that I'd never seen) and even trips to these huge waterfalls (that I had also never heard of....but I think they were far away...maybe even in another country). They told exciting stories about county fairs, amusement parks, 4-H, and girl scout camp. Everyone seemed to be so anxious for their fun-filled summer. Then.....it was my turn. I got out of my seat and walked to the front of the class, lump in my throat and tears threatening to escape my eyes. My drawing portrayed a much different sentiment than my peers....one of sadness rather than anticipation. I had drawn a picture of my family jam-packed in our woody wagon, all of our belongings strapped to the top of the car, leaving the place that had finally started to feel like home. My parents, sister, and brothers all had smiles on their faces. However, I had drawn myself with ENORMOUS tears falling down my face and the saddest expression my fourth-grade imagination could muster plastered on my stick figure's face. I held my picture up, and the only thing I could get out before bursting into tears was, "This summer my family is moving. And I don't want to." I was heartbroken. My teacher was quick to comfort me, and my friends and I all exchanged addresses and phone numbers vowing to stay in touch FOREVER. However, none of that provided me any comfort. It was change, and I despised it.



My animosity towards change has remained a constant in my life. Trips spent away from my parents throughout school always resulted in a homesickness so intense that I got physically sick. Graduation was gut-wrenching, as well as knowing that some of my best friends were moving away. I got married shortly after graduation, and even that was extremely hard for me. I cried on our honeymoon cruise because I missed my parents and my home, not to mention our German Shepherd Clifford who had just been "dognapped" the night of our wedding rehearsal. When we returned home (to OUR new home) I silently cried at night, missing my old home. The sounds were different, the smells were different, everything was different. In fact, if my husband had obliged, I probably would have just moved him in with me at my parents house after our marriage, although the thought of him sleeping on the trundle that was under my day bed is a little odd. But, that would have avoided alot of....you guessed it...change.



Change is still ever so present in my life. My life has changed since becoming sick. My roles of motherhood have changed since becoming sick. But, change has become something that I have realized I cannot avoid, rather I must accept it, if not embrace it. Life has changed so much this summer and will continue to change in the upcoming fall. Our household has changed quite a bit as Holly (the teenager that has been a part of my family since she was 6 months old) decided to move back home. She had lived with us since last October because of some issues she was having at home. And, even though I know this change was in the best interest for all those involved, it is still change...and it's not something I like. Our little man just turned five and will be starting kindergarten. That's definitely not a day I will be looking forward to. My baby girl is almost three and will be starting preschool in the fall. Life will be change-ing majorly, and I cannot even begin to fathom the changes that will take place over the course of my life, both good and bad. But, one thing that never changes is God's Word and His love, grace, mercy, and faithfulness to His children. There is a line from a song I so dearly love that says, "He will never change. He will remain forever the same." So, as long as God is on my side, change is something I can handle. I don't have to like it, or even pretend to, but I will perservere. Change will not defeat me, because I have the un-change-ing One on my side.

The grass withereth, the flower fadeth, but the word of our God shall stand forever. Isaiah 40:8

Waiting for Baby Jaxon

My family is currently anticipating the arrival of our newest family member, Baby Jaxon. He is 'scheduled' to arrive on September 11th, and will be the son of my baby brother Josh and his amazing girlfriend, Andrea, who has become one of my best friends. I have had a small case of baby fever lately, and since I lack the existence of a uterus, the timing of Jaxon's arrival is simply perfect. Ethan and Addy are so excited, constantly kissing Andrea's belly and telling her how much they love 'her baby'. Addy is not yet convinced that he is a boy, and when asked what the baby's name is, she simply replies "Girl." We are all so excited, and aunt Misty can't wait to meet him, hold him, smell his baby feet, wrap his hand around my finger, and kiss the bridge of his nose (that's a weird baby fetish I have). So, here's introducing Jaxon Ryan - inutero.

Jaxon's first ultrasound! 8 weeks

Jaxon at 12 weeks

Jaxon at 20 weeks

Jaxon's little feet! I love this one!

Jaxon's Nursery (I had to throw this one in here, because I am

IN LOVE with the bedding she has chosen for his nursery!!)

I already love you so much baby Jaxon, and I can't wait to meet you. Take your time, though and continue to grow healthy and strong in your momma's belly. You may be joining a crazy family, but one thing we don't lack is love.

Misty

On the Mend

I am finally on the mend after having surgery last Tuesday. This is the third surgery I have had to attempt to solve the problem I have with adhesions resulting from my two c-sections. This time I had my right ovary and tubes removed. I am very optimistic that this will take care of my problem once and for all, and that there will be no more surgeries. I am happy to say that the surgery went great and that I am healing wonderfully!! I had to be opened up completely, so the recovery has been somewhat slow. I was so excited, though, that I didn't get an infection in my incision this time. First time ever! I give all thanks to my Savior for being with me the whole time and for answering prayer. Even if He never answered any of my prayers, He would still be an amazing God.

In further news, my younger brother, Joseph (who just returned from Afghanistan), is getting married on Friday! He and his girlfriend have only been dating a few months, but they are "so in love" and are ready to take the leap. I am so happy for them and very eager to welcome her into our CRAZY family. They are not having a big wedding, just going to the courthouse, which definitely fits both of their personalities. She will be moving to Clarksville to live with him just outside of the base. No wedding, but I am so excited to plan a reception! That is my cup of tea, for sure. Just knowing my brothers, I never thought our family would grow past what it is today. However, my brother Josh and his girlfriend, Andrea, are giving us a new nephew in September, and now Joseph is getting married! I am so looking forward to our family expanding, and I am majorly anticipating getting to meet and hold my little nephew Jaxon. He is going to be Aunt Misty's boy...I just know that for sure!!

Everything to Me

I will first start by warning you that this is gonna be a long post. I don't like to talk about my sickness, but I feel like God is laying it on my heart.

This morning at church, I sang a song that I feel is my own personal testimony. The song is called "Everything to Me" by Avalon. I'm sure I don't do the song justice, but God has used it to bless me so many times.

First and foremost, my Jesus is EVERYTHING to me. And to have that relationship with Him, I had to seek Him on a deeper level. My dad was a pastor and I probably teethed on a church hymnal, but nothing that my earthly father did could save me. I had to make a conscious decision to follow Jesus Christ for myself. It took me a long time, but God never turned his back on me. That is one thing that amazes me about Him. No matter how many times I turn my back on Him, or get angry with Him, or question Him, He is ALWAYS right there, waiting for me. Even when I am not faithful to Him, He is faithful to me.

I think the past few years of my life have been the hardest ever, and my faith has been tested beyond measure. During my second pregnancy (with my baby girl Addy) I began feeling bad. I had extremely terrible headaches, to the point of literally wanting to die, as well as dizziness and fainting. At a routine eye appointment, my optomestrist noticed fluid in the back of my eyes. I didn't know if this was serious, but he wanted me to follow up with my OB to seek further medical examination. I went to my monthly appointment to see Dr. Lopez (who by the way is a wonderful, God-fearing man who has helped me so much!) and he immediately addressed the fact that something was going on, and it was not a "normal" thing to happen during pregnancy. He sent me to see a neurologist (who majorly offended me a multitude of times and is no longer my dr.!) who asked me a zillion questions and did a full neuro exam. He threw out a word that I couldn't understand that had the word tumor and cerebri in it. I had no clue what it meant, but he told me not to worry, because that was probably not what I had, but he just wanted to be thorough. I went the next day to have a lumbar puncture performed at Adena hospital. The doctor was very sympathetic and compassionate and explained everything while he did it. That did not make it hurt any less!! Because I was pregnant, they were not able to use the assistance of x-ray equipment, so I had to have it done the old fashioned way, and believe me, it was not a pleasant experience. I left the hospital in a wheelchair, begging Chad to take me upstairs to the nursery to see the little newborn babies! All I could think about was that tiny little girl growing inside of me. The next day I got a call from the neurologist himself telling me that my pressure reading from the lumbar puncture came back extremely high. I made a follow-up appointment where I was diagnosed with idiopathic intracranial hypertension, also known as pseudotumor cerebri (PTC). My head was spinning as I wondered what this meant. This definition is taken from the website of the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. "Pseudotumor cerebri literally means false brain tumor. It is likely due to high pressure within the skull caused by the buildup or poor absorption of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF)....Symptoms of pseudotumor cerebri, which include headache, nausea, vomiting, and pulsating sounds within the head, closely mimic symptoms of large brain tumors." He tried to explain it, but I couldn't focus on his words. I had rarely ever been sick. The only times I had even had an iv were when I had Ethan and when I had my gall bladder taken out. Now, this doctor is telling me that I have a seriuos condition, for which there is no cure!? What?? How?? Why?? At this point, I would like to be able to say that I turned toward God full force, my faith stronger than ever, but I didn't. In fact, my walk as a Christian became a struggle, and my relationship with God grew weak. I sometimes felt like I had done something wrong, or simply not done something right, and that's why God allowed me to have this disease. I felt like I was being punished. I didn't understand. But, what I learned later on, well after the birth of a healthy, beautiful baby girl, was that I didn't need to understand, I just needed to lean on God. He is a big enough God to handle the questions we ask him. No matter how weak my faith had gotten, when I turned back to him, He was still standing there with open arms. He didn't have His back turned to me, nor was he standing looking down at me with an "I told you so" look or aggravated expression. Rather, he simply took me in His arms as though I had never left. I have since had so many lumbar punctures I cannot even count them all; surgery not related to PTC but from a complication that occurred during my cesarean with Addalyn and from an excess of scar tissue that I seem to produce at a very rapid rate; a hysterectomy (which I was extremely sad about because it ended my hopes of ever having another baby); optic nerve sheath fenestration (ONSF) to prevent me from going blind; and a week long stay in the hospital which included about 20 attempts at a lumbar puncture, one successful lumbar puncture, the diagnosis of meningitis, and one very painful blood patch. I can honestly say that all of these times combined were the lowest point of my life. But, there was one person who never left my side. Even when I was too weak to utter His name, He knew my need. My parents couldn't understand fully what I was going through. My husband was always there for me but even he didn't know the pain I was in. My children were still there to love me, but even that couldn't replace what God meant to me. He never left me. He never got tired of hearing me cry. He never turned his face away when I needed a glimpse of Him. He never grew weary from my complaining. He never left me.

To this day, He has not healed my body, though I have asked him to so many times. I have been annointed several times, yet He has not chosen to heal me. He may never heal me while I am on this earth. I may not know the beauty of being pain-free until I walk through those gates and finally see His face. But, my healing will come, in His time. Until then, I will serve Him, I will thank Him, I will praise Him, I will love Him. Because, after all, He is EVERYTHING to me.

Here's the link to this amazing song by Avalon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTr1TiPNdWw

First blog entry!

I have finally decided to jump on the blogging bandwagon. My main reason for doing so is because I think it will be very therapeutic for me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and my heart and into the open. I have been a S.A.H.M for nearly three years now, and I don't get out of the house much. Most of my conversations are held with a two and a four year old!

In April of 2006, I was diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension (IH) and shortly after was released from my job on LTD. I have not been able to drive for over a year now, and that bugs the crap out of me....but I deal with it. I will post more about my sickness later on, but right now I think I will avoid that topic!!

I married my high school sweetheart, Chad, on March 17th, 2000 and we have three beautiful children together, who are the center of our lives. Bethany is eleven years old and is adopted. She came to live with us at the age of three, however we were not able to adopt her until November 30, 2007. We had a HUGE adoption celebration/dedication on January 12, 2008. We honored Bethany's presence in our lives and thanked God for giving her to us. Ethan is our four year old son, and he keeps us on our toes. He gives the term 'rotten' a new meaning. He has a sense of humor well beyond his years, and he just knows things that most kids his age could not even begin to understand. I am anxious to see where life leads him, because his intelligence is so unique. Addalyn is our baby, and she is 2.5 years old. She was a surprise God blessed us with when we least expected it! She is Mommy's girl, and I can see her being the one who always makes sure that Daddy and Mommy are taken care of. After seeing the lack of compassion in Bethany and Ethan, I am so glad that God blessed us with our baby girl...lol.

I have been through many difficult times over the past few years, but God has been with me every step of the way, and He has continued to pour his blessings upon me, even when I least deserve them. I think that is called grace.